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[tintome]

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.




17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[tintome]

Son of a B***h!
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bit**."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bit**?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BIT**!!!"

[tintome]

I got offered a job as a painter and had to paint the local brothel. The madam explained to me what colours she wanted for each room and left me to it.

I went downstairs to grab my drop-cloth and everything else I needed when two young girls walked out of the showers.

"Who are you?" they asked, "Oh, your boss is a friend of mine" I explained, "and she said you two girls would give me a free blow job."

They both piss themselves laughing when one of them says "Oh yeah, prove it!"

So I yelled down the stairs "WHICH ONE SHOULD I DO FIRST?"

"ANYONE, JUST DONT SPILL ANY ON THE CARPET!.." (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wink.gif)

[tintome]

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.

"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.

"It's the dog," proclaims the guy.

"Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly."

Three men pass away on Christmas Eve and are waiting at the pearly gates. St. Peter says they can get into Heaven, but only if they have something with them related to Christmas.

The first guy flicks his lighter. “Look, it’s a Christmas candle!” he exclaims, and St. Peter lets him in.

The second fellows takes out his keys and jangles them. “Listen… Jingle bells! Jingle Bells!” he sings, and he is also allowed in.

The third guy, who died during the office Christmas party, thinks for a minute then takes a pair of ladies’ panties out of his pocket.

“Okay,” St. Peter asks. “What do those have to do with Christmas?”

“They’re Carol’s!” O_o

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Italy?
A: They had the three wise guys, but they couldn’t find a virgin.
——
Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.
——
Q: How is a Catholic priest like a Christmas tree?
A: The balls are just for decoration.
——
Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

I was a little disappointed the other night when my Chinese girlfriend asked me if I wanted to go back to her place and eat her pussy ... She made me a 3 course meal.

[tintome]

A group of tourists were captured by a tribe of natives and brought before the chief who looks at the men and says "DEATH or CHI-CHI?"

The first man says "Please, dont kill me, I choose chi chi, I choose chi chi.." the men all jump for joy and drag the man off into the bushes screaming where they proceed to rape him.

The chief looks at the second man "DEATH or CHI-CHI"

The second man says "Please.. Anything but death, I choose chi chi.." and again the men drag him off into the bushes and take turns raping him.

The chief looks at the third man and says "DEATH or CHI-CHI?"

Hearing his mates being savagely raped by the natives the man says to the chief "I CHOOSE DEATH!"

"As you wish.." replied the chief, "BUT FIRST.. CHI-CHI!"

[OviDeus]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[tintome]

A man has gone to A & E after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his arse. Doctors have described his condition as "stable."

Name 6 ways to tell Santa is a man:
He shows up late. Eats your cookies.Empties his sack.Only cums once.Calls you a ho and leaves while you're asleep.

[tintome]

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should ..."

"Why not?" the nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.

The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way."

The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"

[tintome]

Two prostitutes were talking about how rough times were.

One said, "You know, times are so bad that I did a trick last night for five measly bucks, just so I had the taxi fare home!"

"Huh," replied the other slag, "I gave away a bl*wjob last night just to get something warm in my stomach!"

Q: What do you Call a period?

A: A waste of f*cking time.

[tintome]

My wife told me she wanted to give me a deep throat blowjob today.

"Really!?" I exclaimed.

"No" She said "April Foogaaarsgargglgle"...

That'll teach her to try and be funny.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...a friend of mine was wearing one yesterday when he got stabbed by the woman's husband.

[tintome]

A Hell's Angel is in front of a church trying to kick-start his Harley, but it just won't start and he is cursing and swearing so loudly that the vicar comes out.

"My son," says the vicar, "swearing like that is a terrible abomination. Why don't you try praying to the Lord?"

The Hell's Angel kneels down: "Dear Lord, please have mercy on me and make my motorcycle start."

And all of a sudden, the motorcycle starts up. "Well fuck me dead," says the vicar, "that's never worked before ...

HELLO? Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy, shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, Daddy says, But honey, you dont have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, and hes upstairs in the room with Mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh, OK then, I want you to put the phone down and run upstairs and knock on the door and shout that Daddys car just pulled up. Ok da...ddy just a minute. A few min later, the girl comes back to the phone. I did it Daddy. And what happened honey? Well, Mommy jumped out of bed naked and ran around screaming, then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isnt moving at all! Oh my God!! What about your Uncle Paul? He jumped out the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it and I think hes dead! Really long pause. Then
Daddy says, Swimming pool? Uh..Is this 558-5732?
The girl says, No I think you have the wrong number

[tintome]

An Indian man on his death bed.

"Sanjita, my wife, are you here?"

"Yes, my husband."

"My son and daughter, are you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Then who's in the fucking shop?"

[tintome]

Finally after years of badgering, my girlfriend agreed to anal.

I had never done it before so I was quite excited as I lubed her up and inserted my throbbing penis, only to feel something squidgy on the tip of it.

"Ooh yeah," She cried, "What does that feel like?"

I said, "It feels like shit."

[tintome]

Me and the Mrs were fooling around in the car one night.

.

She started talking dirty and told me "let's do it in the back."

.

Fuck knows why she got all moody when I put it in her ass

[tintome]

I walked up to a girl earlier and said;

"Did you fall out of heaven?"

"Aww, because I'm an angel?"

"No because you look like Felix Baumgartner you ugly bitch."

[campus]

less than one month without a pope and we´ve already cured HIV.

it will be ironic if a black pope is elected.. he will be surrounded by men in white robes with pointy hats swinging crosses in front of him..

my porn star friend recently passed away. as a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife´s face.

buying a lasagne nowadays is alot like trying to pick out a prostitute in thailand. you know some of them are going to contain some unwanted meat.

i don´t understand why gyms have mirrors. i know what i look like.. that´s why i´m at the gym..

on the label it says "please drink responsibly". well.. i´ve got my seat belt on..

4am. just back from a night out. home alone, drunk, online and horny.. what to do.. i guess i´ll play poker..

last year many men needlessly died of starvation from lack of sandwiches while the women were out marching for women´s day. this cruelty must stop!

i´m not saying i need a pube trimmer.. but when i get an erection it looks like pinocchio has joined the taliban..

my wife wants me to have a chat with our son cuz she caught him watching gay porn. i did and my son replied "dad, it said it was football! i didn´t know! i swear!". "that´s ok son" i said and smiled. "i believe u". after that incident finally was over i asked my son what he hates the most. "wrestling" he said. "why?". "ooh no reason" i mumbled as i changed the name of my gay porn folder to "how to do a perfect nelson".

i saw a blind dude trip over his guide dog today.. still confused who´s to blame..

a few years back eveything 1980´s was hip. then it quickly went through a 70s and 60s phase and now everything 1950´s is the new thing. jews must be getting worried..

my 11 year daughter came home asking me "daddy, what does 'anal' mean?". "it means once a year, love. once a year" i said looking at my wife..

[tintome]

So we've had an Argentinian Pope for 2 weeks, and Margaret Thatcher dies.

Coincidence?